The Phonics Preacher
A Great Sauce for Newts and Inflammation in Calvary Chapel.

Much “a do” about what a Pastor “ought” to do.

Of course.. this all depends on your denomination.  Let’s consider the sludgepot of oppulance that is Calvary Chapel..   and use deductive reasoning to come up with our list..

Hmmm..  let’s see..   A Pastor Ought to??????

1. .. drive something trendy..  like a Mini Cooper, A Landrover..  or maybe a 1995 VW Golf.
2. ..  look young and cool.  This especially applies to guys who refuse to accept the fact that they are actually old and un-cool.
3… Own at least 5 or 6 Hawaiian shirts that you don’t wear because you’re trying too hard to look young and cool.
4 …..  rule his church and staff with an iron hand and not put up with any form of opposition.
5.  …. have great hair.  If you’re going bald..  make up for it with fasionable shoes
6.  ….  live in a secret, secluded home that is cut off from all forms of society.
7….   secretly smoke a nice cigar from time to time with other CC Pastors who secretly smoke nice cigars from time to time.
8. ….  watch LOST and draw illustrations from it.
9 …  be uneducated.

2 Responses to “Much “a do” about what a Pastor “ought” to do.”

  2. can i add a few things, you fell short here…

    1. .. drive something trendy.. like a Mini Cooper, A Landrover.. or maybe a 1995 VW Golf.
    2. .. look young and cool. This especially applies to guys who refuse to accept the fact that they are actually old and un-cool. but make sure if this is all true that you get some hair plugs so you can maintian the young attitude
    3… Own at least 5 or 6 Hawaiian shirts that you don’t wear because you’re trying too hard to look young and cool. dont forget the polo with some wacky pattern on it! never preach without a tommy bahama or a a worn out polo that is xxxxl so it covers your gut!
    4 ….. rule his church and staff with an iron hand and not put up with any form of opposition. there really is no other option!
    5. …. have great hair. If you’re going bald.. make up for it with fasionable shoes or just keep with the mullet and your bald spot!
    6. …. live in a secret, secluded home that is cut off from all forms of society. why would a pastor want to be neighborly anyway, dumb needy people!
    7…. secretly smoke a nice cigar from time to time with other CC Pastors who secretly smoke nice cigars from time to time. chug a beer “from time to time”
    8. …. watch LOST and draw illustrations from it. i dont watch TV, i pray and read my bible! TV? i am a pastor!
    9 … be uneducated.

    former CCabq Guy - April 27, 2006 at 9:59 pm

  3. what waxifull eloquence Sir PorkBox!

    I’m humbled in your satire!

    Only you could describe CC with such accuracy as “sludgepot of oppulance”

    of course your “reasoning” will be highly suspect as CC Denominators only recognize Inductive speculation

    my grin stuck for over the normal 30 sec. ;)

    B.E.A. - April 28, 2006 at 4:01 pm


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