Interview With the Phonics Preacher

 My constant companions of; clarity, logic and good taste have compelled me to provide unto the reading public a self interview to generate awe and understanding to those who peruse the tabloids for dirt on the PP.

1.  Describe how you and you alone are able to dig up such compelling information about Calvary Chapel

It all began in 1972 when I accompanied my family on vacation to the desert S.W.  As a toddler toting the all too familiar cast on my right leg, I stumbled out of the rest room at Death Valley Exxon and Gift Shop to see a vacant spot where my parent’s Winnebago used to be.  In my abandonment, I wandered aimlessly till I was picked up by a group of disheveled hippies in a VW micro-bus.  For the next 20 years, I was raised by this strange family of hippie pastors who eventually rose to power in the megaplex we know know as Calvary Chapel.  Obviously, I gained a lot of vital information in my work.  As a trained assassin and pick-pocket, I was directly involved in many of the dirty dealings of this band of brilliant but diabolic maniacs.  In 1988 I became a made man in a ceremony at Area 51.  Since then, I’ve given that life up and now sell Tupperware.

2.  Describe your views on Calvary Chapel in relation to the Emerging Church.

If you bury something, and it digs it way out, you can say, that it is emerging.  Every time they accidentally bury a living person, and that person breaks out of the casket and digs 6 feet to the surface, they are labeled as an “emerging” people.  (it happens more than you think, and if you are one, there are support groups).  In relationship to Calvary Chapel, we see a group that continues to kill itself with their; heresies of the Moses Model, laxity in restoring pastors who believe in leprechauns,  belief in replacing replacement theology with non replacement theology and their heretical practice of using grape juice in communion.  Even as they kill themselves over and over again with their dangerous beliefs and practices, they continue to emerge.  Obviously, they are not emergent, but definitely, they fit in one of the 17 strains of what we call emerging.

3.  Describe your personal experience at the hands of kung-fu expert Raul Reese.

Maybe you’ve heard parts of this story on one of my other blog posts.  It’s well known that Pastor Raul is using an orphanage in Mexico as a front to manufacture little blackbelt karate onesies which are then smuggled across the Rio Grande into a secret compound in Corpus Cristi where an entire race of little Raul Reeses are being cloned.  I was given the job of finding suitable crossing points in the river, where to product wouldn’t get wet.  When the first shipment came across, they missed my position by 500 yards and all the onsies were lost.  After that, I had to spend two years as an assistant pastor at Diamond Bar for my punishment.  I also had to wash Raul’s Mini Cooper every Tuesday.

4.Describe your current ministry.

In addition to being the voice in the wilderness, crying out, make known the ways of Calvary Chapel, I spend many hours carving tiny messages in the Tupperware products that I sell.  You never know when someone might decide, after burping the air out of their 9/13 cookie container, to get out the magnifying glass and search the lid for gospel invitations.  When they do, they’ll find it.  I’ll be no one else has had the faith and fortitude to press on in such a demanding ministry.

5. Describe your favorite kind of soup.

No doubt about it.  I love the clam chowder at Outback.  They make it with a shrimp base and it goes well with oyster crackers.  mmmmmmmmm.

6.  Do you feel like there are other denominations/organizations under the covering of the church that are as strangely corrupt as CC?

Maybe the Orthodox Presbyterians.  Other than that, no one can hold a candle to the corruptions of CC.

7.  If you had one question for Chuck Smith, what would it be?

Will you put one of my “I bought Tupperware from the Phonics Preacher” stickers on your Caddy?