The journalistic expoits of (name witheld to protect the innocent) are back at it.  Sources believe that December will bring us a “Swimsuit Edition”, much to the dismay of those already protesting.

The average Christian completely and totally lacks discernment.  They are easily duped and deceived (sometimes “on purpose”).  They ingest doctrines and ideals that they see as being Biblical and safe, which are actually, demonic doctrines in sheep’s clothing. 

In order to protect average Christians from being led down a deceptive path towards New-Age Oprah worshipping Catholicism, a group of non-average believers have banded their super-assumption skills together for the greater good of fundamental Christian faith.  They serve the role of gate-keeper and bloodhound.  They turn back the evil tide of heresy that is mystifying and seducing so many of today’s well trained pastors.  They sniff out the doctrines of demons which are: hiding on our bookshelves, creeping into our  terminology and emanating from our affiliations.  Theirs is a hard and lonely task.  It is often thankless.  And yet, if it wasn’t for their dedication to inform us of right and wrong, many of us would be, right now, worshipping at the feet of the virgin mother:  Oprah Winfrey. 

Their admirable zeal almost matches that of the early Ana-Baptists who used to bind heretics and toss them off of hay bales onto up-turned pitchforks.  It is this common passion for sound doctrine, and the willingness to “judge the heretic”, that elevates the modern day discernment ministries to a place of unquestioned truth.  With astounding wisdom, they weigh the proverbial witches of evangelical mega-ministry against that of a duck, and declare an immediate burning.

These are the unsung heroes of Christianity.  While most average Christians are busy listening to CCM and watching Veggie Tales, the cult-sniffers are defending our gates. 

Let’s give them a hearty round of applause… right now, from your desk, in your kitchen, during your Hallmark movie special…  Let them know that you appreciate their ability to discern that, which will, without a doubt, deceive us.

Why did simplemindedpreacher go behind closed doors? The answer to me is obvious. They’ve joined the ranks of Masons and the Mormons. They have taken their dark secrets into a place where no one can point fingers. Rumor has it, that smp founder, Chad Myhre has purchased land in French Guyana, and plans on relocating the entire smp operation to that location. Un named sources have reported that 7 pallets of lime cool aid have been delivered to the site already. One individual, who recently left smp, reported strange ceremonies in the smp temple, involving magic underwear and a golden tasseled, red fez.

We’ll keep you up to date and more information comes available.

 My constant companions of; clarity, logic and good taste have compelled me to provide unto the reading public a self interview to generate awe and understanding to those who peruse the tabloids for dirt on the PP.

1.  Describe how you and you alone are able to dig up such compelling information about Calvary Chapel

It all began in 1972 when I accompanied my family on vacation to the desert S.W.  As a toddler toting the all too familiar cast on my right leg, I stumbled out of the rest room at Death Valley Exxon and Gift Shop to see a vacant spot where my parent’s Winnebago used to be.  In my abandonment, I wandered aimlessly till I was picked up by a group of disheveled hippies in a VW micro-bus.  For the next 20 years, I was raised by this strange family of hippie pastors who eventually rose to power in the megaplex we know know as Calvary Chapel.  Obviously, I gained a lot of vital information in my work.  As a trained assassin and pick-pocket, I was directly involved in many of the dirty dealings of this band of brilliant but diabolic maniacs.  In 1988 I became a made man in a ceremony at Area 51.  Since then, I’ve given that life up and now sell Tupperware.

2.  Describe your views on Calvary Chapel in relation to the Emerging Church.

If you bury something, and it digs it way out, you can say, that it is emerging.  Every time they accidentally bury a living person, and that person breaks out of the casket and digs 6 feet to the surface, they are labeled as an “emerging” people.  (it happens more than you think, and if you are one, there are support groups).  In relationship to Calvary Chapel, we see a group that continues to kill itself with their; heresies of the Moses Model, laxity in restoring pastors who believe in leprechauns,  belief in replacing replacement theology with non replacement theology and their heretical practice of using grape juice in communion.  Even as they kill themselves over and over again with their dangerous beliefs and practices, they continue to emerge.  Obviously, they are not emergent, but definitely, they fit in one of the 17 strains of what we call emerging.

3.  Describe your personal experience at the hands of kung-fu expert Raul Reese.

Maybe you’ve heard parts of this story on one of my other blog posts.  It’s well known that Pastor Raul is using an orphanage in Mexico as a front to manufacture little blackbelt karate onesies which are then smuggled across the Rio Grande into a secret compound in Corpus Cristi where an entire race of little Raul Reeses are being cloned.  I was given the job of finding suitable crossing points in the river, where to product wouldn’t get wet.  When the first shipment came across, they missed my position by 500 yards and all the onsies were lost.  After that, I had to spend two years as an assistant pastor at Diamond Bar for my punishment.  I also had to wash Raul’s Mini Cooper every Tuesday.

4.Describe your current ministry.

In addition to being the voice in the wilderness, crying out, make known the ways of Calvary Chapel, I spend many hours carving tiny messages in the Tupperware products that I sell.  You never know when someone might decide, after burping the air out of their 9/13 cookie container, to get out the magnifying glass and search the lid for gospel invitations.  When they do, they’ll find it.  I’ll be no one else has had the faith and fortitude to press on in such a demanding ministry.

5. Describe your favorite kind of soup.

No doubt about it.  I love the clam chowder at Outback.  They make it with a shrimp base and it goes well with oyster crackers.  mmmmmmmmm.

6.  Do you feel like there are other denominations/organizations under the covering of the church that are as strangely corrupt as CC?

Maybe the Orthodox Presbyterians.  Other than that, no one can hold a candle to the corruptions of CC.

7.  If you had one question for Chuck Smith, what would it be?

Will you put one of my “I bought Tupperware from the Phonics Preacher” stickers on your Caddy?

the break up is complete.  after years of custody battles concerning; hair, radio towers and airwaves, Mike Kestler and Jeff Smith have washed their hands of each other and have gone their own ways.  with the sad finality of this move, there are new identities rising up from the ashes.  in the face of bad press and years of scandal, the establishment formerly known as calvary chapel twin falls will now be renamed.   church leaders are split between: “river christian fellowship” and “mikes funnel cake factory of jesus-love”.

In order to prevent confusion, the initials we know as being CSN will remain the same, but a contest is in the works to apply new meaning to the initials. 

here are a few of the recent submissions:

1. Crab Shack Network
2. Can’t Spell Netwerk
3. Cake Sample Network

The contest is underway.  When the winning name is chosen the winner will be flown to Twin Falls, Idaho and commended publicly for their fancy word-skills. 

…  “you can sleep in my cabin..  but please, little wolf, don’t go poo poo on my rug.”

Some poor guy on the cheap imitation blog was getting razzed for not updating his blog.  Then I got convindicated.  I ended my blog.  I quit it.  It bored me.  I even put “Cannedham” to sleep.  But the beast keeps a calling.  Slowly but surely, the content of the Cheap Imitation Blog (C.I.B.) is beginning to get interesting.  Pretty soon, they’ve got to stop talking about Skip and skip onto something else.  There’s a plethera of new topics to explore.

1.  Chuck Smith is cloning Raul Reese.   There’s a lab in Mexico with 38 of them, under the disguise of an orphanage.  They are continually smuggling little Kung-Fu onesied across the border..  hiding them under boxes of blankets.

2.  Ocean Hills is slated to be the home of a new ministry.  Their focus will be to the men who like to frequent “gentlemen’s clubs”.  It’s being refurbished as a night-club right now.  Neon lights and everything.  If you’re an experienced dancer with a heart for the great commission…  they’re currently accepting applications.

3.  The Kestler vs. J. Smith lawsuits are really about hair.  M. Kestler just wants his share.

4. Who is the brain child behind the Emerging Church?  It’s Calvary Chapel.  They have created the E.M. to enrage the church as a whole, in order to distract attention from CC’s dirty dealings.

5.  Don’t get me started on the Bob Coy video church craze.

Of course.. this all depends on your denomination.  Let’s consider the sludgepot of oppulance that is Calvary Chapel..   and use deductive reasoning to come up with our list..

Hmmm..  let’s see..   A Pastor Ought to??????

1. .. drive something trendy..  like a Mini Cooper, A Landrover..  or maybe a 1995 VW Golf.
2. ..  look young and cool.  This especially applies to guys who refuse to accept the fact that they are actually old and un-cool.
3… Own at least 5 or 6 Hawaiian shirts that you don’t wear because you’re trying too hard to look young and cool.
4 …..  rule his church and staff with an iron hand and not put up with any form of opposition.
5.  …. have great hair.  If you’re going bald..  make up for it with fasionable shoes
6.  ….  live in a secret, secluded home that is cut off from all forms of society.
7….   secretly smoke a nice cigar from time to time with other CC Pastors who secretly smoke nice cigars from time to time.
8. ….  watch LOST and draw illustrations from it.
9 …  be uneducated.

I know, I know..  the Phonics Preacher has been pretty dormant as of lately.  There is a reason, and it’s a pretty stinkin good one too.  I’ll go fisticuffs with anyone who wants to dispute the validity of my reason’s goodness in the drop of a hat (or a hair-net).

Anyways..  I’ve been trying to propel the impending popularity of Phonics Preacher by attending high-falutin CC events.   Just like those vigourous nim-wits from Kansas..  I’ve been traveling all over the nations with my signs..  protesting events in the hopes of gaining important noteriety.   Maybe you’ve seen some of my signs at CC funerals and CC mobster meetings.   My personal favorite sign reads:  “Bob Hates Flags”..   or..  “Flags Will Burn in (a) Pail”..  

Anyways..  when people look my way.. I lift my shirt (don’t worry, I’m a guy)..  and there, written on my belly is:  www.phonicspreacher.wordpress.com. 

There has been big news however:
1.  Chuck said, at the easter sunrise service..  during the invitation..  while people were praying for salvation..  Chuck would whisper in their ear..  “don’t believe the blob!”  -  About 123 new believers went home and Googled “the blob”. – What they found was somewhat confusing.  The first two results were about the 1958 movie “the Blob” starring Steve McQueen and Aneta Corsaut.. which, by the way,  was filmed in Chester County, PA.   Reports say, that folks in Chester County, PA are really offended by Chuck Smith’s Statement.

2.  Yes.. things are still brewing with Louis Heitzig.  Rumor has it, he has contracted with a local S. Cal company to have his head frozen when he dies in hopes that they will someday have the technology to duplicate his hair.  Speaking of Skip’s hair..  sources very close to me (well, not real close.. but w/in 7 degrees of seperation)…  have claimed that BENNY HINN has commanded his personal hair-dresser to duplicate Skip’s wave on his head.  Skip’s lawyers are scrambling over disputes on copyright issues concerning Skip’s hair.

3.  Mike Kestler would love to have Skip’s hair too.

4.  The brown suits down at CCOF are about to unveil a program that transform CC completely and totally.. starting this June at the Sr. Pastor’s Conference.  I’m not saying that I know anything about it.. but if you’re a Sr. Pastor..  I beg of you..  don’t drink the water at Murrietta this year.  Those not attending are recieving viles of miracle spring water..  er.. uhh.. I mean..  viles of simple water..  and they are encouraged to drink it as a symbolic act of receiving the H.Spirit.   (don’t drink it!)

5.  Phonics Preacher is real: sleepy..  busy..  and occasionally..  all freaked out on goof-balls. 
hasta lombego!

If you’ve been around the cheap imitation blog lately, you’ll notice that much of the tension has been lifted.   Why?  It’s all because of Don McClure.  The sweet sappy syrup of persuassion has been dripping from his fingertips as he continues to make stretigic posts in the presence of his enemies.  Some, have abandoned their cause.   Some have dropped their signs of protest and have recannted.  Some, like the wild boar who’s been “fixed”, are surrendering their agressions towards the beast that CC is, and are lying down, like lambs with pre-millenial lions. 

Don’s words have been laced with the perfect ammount of truth, and with-held opinion.  His deliveries have been rock-solid and undisputable.   It’s obvious that he has been trained by the best, and uses those phychological skills of manipulation and hypnotization to his advantage.   Hundreds of embittered rebels are dropping their weapons and are beginning to file back to the punch bowls of Calvary Chapel like lemmings to the cliff. 

Stand your ground!  Don’t let the sappy persuasions of truth hinder your embittered cause!  The dove-shaped cool-aid dispensers are filled to the brim, awaiting the return of the former rebellion forces.  Remember what happened when Jose Wales and his band turned themselves into the Red-Legs?  Don’t let it happen to you. 

We take solice in the knowledge that our Calvinist forces and our Church Government advocates will not be swayed..  no matter what.  But the others, who are standing on the shifting sand of discontentment and misunderstanding.   They are vulnerable.   We must stop them from listening to Don!

BTW- Sorry Steph..  I haven’t had much time lately, and PP has not been too inspiring to my cause.  It’s either more information about CCABW (which I’ve expired on), or, it’s just nice stuff, and I can’t satire nice stuff.

There has been a call to accountability!  
Skip has been asked to:
1. Let Jesse James go.   You have enough Harleys Skip!
2. Stop consorting with Castro.
3. Come clean with your alien connection.
4. Stop using such big words!
Joe Sabolick has been asked to:
1. Stop being so trendy.  You’re causing the 1970’s missionary picture type pastors to stumble.
Mike Kestler has been asked to:
1.  Think before you open your, uhm…  uh.. and again Saints..   uhm.. again..   your mouth.
2.  Set Twin Falls free and move to Medford, Oregon and attend Sovereign Grace Fellowship.
3.  Settle things with Jeff Smith by Indian wrestling on live TV.
4.  Enough with the comb-over.
Chuck Smith has been asked to:
1.  Let somebody else pick up those cigarette butts.  You’re making us look bad.
2.  Go over to your son in law’s house and run HIS lawn mower up against HIS car. (an eye for an eye)
3.  Fix all the problems in all the Calvary Chapels.
Raul Reese has been asked..  time and time again:
1.  What did you say?

We’ve been calling Calvary Chapel to accountability.  We have been demanding that they obey the Bible by changing their government structure.  We’ve been tithing nickles (because we only made $0.50 that week) to prove our point.   We’ve been exposing the crimes..  the genocide..  the financial  irresponsability..   the underhanded schemes..  the money laundering..  the poaching..   the Russian mafia ciggarette store insurance scams..   and so on.    

And so far..  they’ve not responded.

What’s wrong Calvary Chapel?  Has this blog, and the 6 people who have visited here in the past week caused you to fear yet?  You should be very afraid.